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Saturday, August 23rd, 2003
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i dont know what it is about you .. but you make me want to rush to your side and hold you .
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i had this dream where my good friend died in my arms..... and my sister joined a gang.... but when my friend died i was crying and i was scared and then i woke up .. but it was soo real.
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since when the fuck was it cool to be soo damn depressed??!!
take some god damn prozac or kill yourselves.. you depressed fucks!!
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Friday, August 22nd, 2003
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i feel like dying
when i walk away please shoot me in the back of the head.
i want to know its you that kills me but i dont want to believe it.
on one condition,
if you love me don't do it
BANG
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i called andrew becuz i was bored of doing my bookreports. we spoke for an hour and a half.
i think if he wasnt so crazy. i'd marry him. he was telling em about this girl he was in love with for the longest time but then just last week she "broke his heart for the last time" and then i told him about the boys of my life... and then i went to say something about this one ataris song .. and he was like yeah that song .. and he started singing it and i was like wow.
i was surprised becuz this kid is liek into hardcore or crazy IDM i didnt know there was a middle ground for him .. and this kid is a crazy hardcore looking kid. like if u met you you'd understand ..
i miss andrew also .. andrew was the frat boy i hung out with. tim ( tim had a crewcut but it was a mohawk crew cut)and andrews room mate chris ( he reminded me of the disney character goofy and something out of a ween song. but he was cool none the less) were like my three fav. college fratt boys.
imma finish/start my book reports now.. this is the ataris song i was talking about .
"Between You And Me"
Won't you come over?
You know that you want to.
How does it feel to know
I still want you?
Why do we always seem,
To want what we can't have?
Lessons learned.
But then I listen to my heart,
And it says still run back for more.
I'm happy for you.
I'm sure that he really loves you.
But it breaks my heart,
To know I can't hold you.
It's just hard to think
I'll never get the chance
To say your mine.
But every time you hear this song
You'll know you've made a mark
On my heart and my mind.
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Yours is the only version of my desertion that I could ever subscribe to
That is all that I can do
You are a past dinner, the last winner, I'm raping all around me
Until the last drop is behind you
But you're so cute when you're frustrated, dear
Yeah, you're so cute when you're sedated, oh dear
Sleep tight, grim rite, we have two hundred couches where you can...
Sleep tight, grim rite, we have two hundred couches where you can
Sleep tonight,
Sleep tonight,
Sleep tonight,
Sleep tonight.
You are the only person who's completely certain there's nothing here to be into
That is all that you can do
You are a past sinner, the last winner, and everything we've come to makes you you
But you cannot safely say that while I will be away, you will not consider sadly
How you helped me to stray
And you will not reach me I am resenting a position that's past resentment and now
I can't consider, and now there is this distance, so...
my life is boring..
thats why i plan on starting work some where..
i am going to check baptist hospital next weekend (since i will have no summer reading) for art therapy stuff...
and if not i allways have my job offer at high tide to fall back on ..
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okay today is for book reports.
dont talk to me
dont distract me
dont do any thing
but
if you see me online im me and tell me to do my work.
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Thursday, August 21st, 2003
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i am slightly happy right now for no reason what so ever..
one of my good friend just got a live journal and i dont intend on commenting on his LJ but .. its good to know he now has one.
sigh hmm .. if any one has any info on the books:
Snow Falling on Cedar
or
A Brave New World
get in contact with me
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i am not heartless i just dont understand
unless one has an extream fear of death or if one does not want to leave one should not cry when they leave.
every year this time comes around school starts and college kids go to their respective new living places. well i have this extream fear that soem drunk college kid will plow their car into my friends car causeing this friend of mine, i care about to die.
therefore every time around this time of year i assume its the last time i know i'll see that person. and yes.. i get sadd and even choked up. " ooh how i miss them already as they walk away" but i dont stop them for another good bye hug.. i just watch them walk away.
you see i dont stop them becuz i know they want to go..
you see the way i figure is if you want to go some where you most likely will not cry.
hell i know i didnt cry when i went to pratt. yet after a week i was slightly sad being that i didnt have my friends from home, but i made new ones. every now and then i would get slightly bored, so i'd buy a pack of cigs and sit in the park and either draw, write or if feeling home sick i'd call some one in miami. generally it was Homer. i think he is one of the three reasons i didnt cry while being forced to come back to miami.
oh well the moral of my post is: every one has a choice and i do not understand if by going somewhere you choose makes you so unhappy at the start... why would you even want to continue going... such as college .. if one is afraide to make that step and is nearly crying the whole time going .. why would you even go??!! maybe i am missing something.. by why ?1
i guess everyone has a differnt thought pattern and what i think is stupid some one else might think is genius... ... werid.. oh well
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Tuesday, August 19th, 2003
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i was never this bored in brooklyn.
there was always something to do, some place to go, some one to talk to, i would sometimes take time out from my day to sit some where and just be still.. and not do any thing but then i would get bored and go find a friend. and usually i ended up in their dorm or apt. playinf twister or tabo.
growing up here in miami one gets a custom to all the hugging and kissing and pure human affection. in brooklyn thats the only thing i missed. affection. up there if a guy has his arm around a girl it most likely means something scandlous
i read my cards today it says in the future a poetic/ arty guy with light eyes is in my future... that is very exact but it might not be so exact...
if you want me to read your cards lemme know..
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Yo he esta-do agui muchas veces antes y regreso
To... break down, and cease all feeling
Burn now, what once was breathing
Reach out, and you may take my heart away
Imperfect cry, and scream in ecstasy
So what befalls the flawless?
Look what I've built, it shines so beautifully
Now watch as it destroys me
Y regreso agui otra vez y comienzo
Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself,
and hidden in the public eye.
Such a stellar monument to loneliness.
Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes
and perfect makeup but you're barely scraping by.
Wasting words on lowercases and capitals.
I want a lover I don't have to love
I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk
Where's the kid with the chemicals
I got a hunger and I can't seem to get full
I need some meaning I can memorize
The kind I have always seems to slip my mind
But you but you You write such pretty words
But life's no story book Love is an excuse to get hurt
And to hurt Do you like to hurt? 'Cause I do I do I do This didn't hurt me
Didn't hurt me
Oh this hurt me
i am feeling crummy becuz i think i was misunderstood.
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yes that last post was for you berto .. you and your beautiful friendship with john spain. may it grow and grow .. and i hope he can please you .. becuz God knows i dont be pleasing you any time soon.
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i was okay with you hanging out with him.... but then when i called you so you could check up on my sister you spoke to him with me on the phone.
you've crossed a line.
and i have been hurt.
so from now untill i can get over this ... fuck off.
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Sunday, August 17th, 2003
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Thursday, August 14th, 2003
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saw you leave today
cryed and felt like dying as you walked away.
your look remains the same
every time i see you again my hearts rips in more pieces than there are stars in the heavens
my love for you will still be strong,
after the boys of summer are gone
did you think that i would cry on the phone
do you know what it feels like being alone
i kinda hope this is just teenage hormones...
there is this one boy i know i can never have.. .
and it is knowing that, that fustrates me he is so amazing so close to perfect as a boy can get.
if i stay within driving distance of him i will totally love him and that is something i just cannot do
i need to leave florida a
the worst part about it is i cannot imagine my life with out him.
this great person i cannot live with or without
its 5am.. fuck. im not even tired
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Wednesday, August 13th, 2003
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| Time: | 3:56 am. |
| Mood: |  nostalgic. |
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i remember a time when you kissed me like you ment it.
sigh .... i hate boys. they are soo fucking hard to read.
you see while i was at pratt i knew what i wanted and i got it. but here in miami i know what i want . but there is so much other crap attached to it.
i need to start reading my books for summer.
i am still grounded so i dont know if i am going to be able to do any thing this week with any one.
i am grounded for a really lame reason ..
in an idea world tomorrow i will buy my self a bra.
i am watching this metallica video and oddly enough my sisters friend rian reminds me of Lars .. its really weird.
its like really late or really early soo imma go to sleep or something.
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just when my thoughts bring me to the brink of tears He swoops in and makes me smile with a simple "check it out..i made fun of him" i love you so much for being my friend berto . you are a friend and so much more.
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Tuesday, August 12th, 2003
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alex, i can honestly say you are the only person keeping me sane in miami.
i know i am not much entertainment but thanx for hanging out..
this summer at pratt there was this one boy at Pratt, martin. he is awesome .. he said he wants to go to pratt for actuall college.. well so do i as it come time to actually apply for the school i am going to tell him to write my name down to dorm with i wanna live with him.
he seems very innocent. and just to see differnt girls go in his room day by day ... hehe.. oh boy that will be fun.
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Monday, August 11th, 2003
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you know what i really dont like, parents. i said i dont like them, not that i hate them .. becuz i dont hate parents. i think personally people would want have children are crazy.
after years of dealing with really pointless problems people go crazy. its a natural process of your brain withering away. it should be accepted and embraced not thrown to the side or hidden.
my parents arent that bad they are just crazy. its okay and understandable that they have gone crazy.. they have had to deal with for kids girls at that do u know what little girl voices do to the hearing?!!
oh well.. my life would be different if say they were like druggies or dead... hmm..soo i guess i am lucky to have such insane parents
now on the other hand i have an insane sister.
she is a fucking psycho. oh well.. i gotta deal with it untill next sept. :).. then i am free...
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i named today and its name is sir shitty.becuz today was so totallly shitty
i wasted my life for 24 hours.
tomorrow i will go out with my friend emily.
we will go job hunting.
it should be fun.
i love little green
i miss people i've met only once.
is that wrong? if i know they dont miss me at all?
i know they dont wonder.
i'm sure they dont care.
things are in your life for a reason even if they have nothing to do with you .. like if you see a man on the subway and you smile and he smiles back. BAM interaction lives have intertwine that will change you weither you know it or not. even the timing of when u tie your shoe laces effects your life. to stay awake late at night liek this and think about these crazy things. i dunno some what weird but then i mean it all makes sense.
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xluckystarx's journal
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